There was always a difference. Not just in the terrain, the options, the duration. More so in the mentality. The approach. I never had a track race where I didn't give everything I had. But there were cross country races where I ran easy to prevent burn out, or phoned it in because I wasn't feeling it. Talk about disrespect. To the sport, my teammates, other competitors. Wasting their time, my own time. I'm ashamed to know that me.
Maybe it was the distance. Because 5k seemed like a pain in the ass, and 8k was just daunting. Except I love the 5k now. More than the steeple.
Maybe it was the solitude. Though I've always considered myself something of a Lone Wolf style runner. Always ran from the front, even before I knew who Pre was. Never cared enough to call someone up and ask if they wanted to run. Just went out and did my own thing.
Maybe it was my maturity. Yet whether I was 16 or I was 20 it still plagued me, this emotionless procession to the starting line and thru the finishing chute.
Track always felt different. Maybe its the tightly packed places indoors where you could hear the hurdles smashing, the yells of coaches, the crash of the shot. Maybe its the shortened circuits, and the close competition. Maybe its the sense of urgency, when the bell rings, no matter where you are, it seems to echo inside you, adrenaline surging, the chase, the hunt beginning, regardless of your position or place.
I remember how I felt the first time I stepped to the line in a cross country race, it was scary as hell, but it was better than being on the track. I was 15. I remember the bus ride out, the hill half way through, finishing strong in the cool, shadowy evening. That was the day I became a runner. Who I was before that, I'll never know.
"Races don't begin at the starting line, do they? They don't really start until it's just the pack running shoulder to shoulder with no one around. Doesn't it add some excitement knowing the race isn't really won at the finish line with everyone watching? It is won somewhere along the course, where no one can see. " - Asics XC
More and more I feel like the woods are the place to be. Where real men are born. Where real races happen. I to want to get back to the grass, the dirt, the forests. I want to get back to nature, back to my ancestors, trekking, tracking, following the trail. It feels more of an opportunity to prove myself than any other time. when no one else is watching except me, my own arch rival, my own cheering section, my own critic. A time when I feel more in control of my own fate, alone, the inescapable truth of my abilities naked in the light. Better than finishing in front of thousands of screaming fans. The opportunity to know that I gave my all, and not worry about being celebrated for my efforts. Letting the good deed be its own reward. In the middle of a field, with not another soul in sight.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
About 'My Promise to Gabe'
You'll have to highlight the black part in order to get the stuff that was written there. I am having trouble fixing the code to display it. thanks!
My Promise to Gabe
"the only ones that lend their eyes are the ones who care. the family. the coaches. the friends. the teammates. no one wants to see the high school 2 Mile, lap after seemingly endless lap.
but maybe they would, if they had known, that life hung in the balance. for certain someone else was watching, and what felt an instant later, the boy was gone from this world, forever. silently he carries on, his breaths and strides aligned, his trainers a vibrant, steady beacon shining deep from within the darkness of afterwards.
maybe everyone would have gathered, if they knew this would be his final race. they would have cheered for him as though it could change destiny. screaming throngs of people would have hung from the fences. roaring bleachers would tremble under the thundering feet of those hopeful spirits.
maybe if his adversaries would have known, they would have let him have a final taste of victory. perhaps nike would bless his feet, allowing him to soar, to earn what he had the rites to. maybe he would be given the track to run alone, his opponents waiting for him to finish, and to place the wreath upon his head, the medal around his neck.
but instead, it went on, and they clashed, unknowing. and now, they all look for answers, they search him out in the depths of their hearts. his resting place was never to be the ground, but instead a place of patience, perseverance; the roads, the trails, the lanes to which strode upon, those places that welcomed him so. before he ran for progress, through the pain and fatigue-no more, for now he runs in peace."
A couple years ago, Gabe Pacione passed away in a car accident. Though I never had the fortune of meeting him, he seemed like a great friend to those he knew, and he was also a great runner. In one of his last races, he finished 3rd in the 2008 MIAA All State Meet. Obviously he was trying his hardest.
Where I'm going with this: A common theory in racing is to hold back in some of the less important races in order to prevent burnout later on in the season. I myself subscribed to this theory for a while, especially during XC seasons. And from a long term approach it poses pretty solid logic.
But the boy mentioned above proves how chaotic and unpredictable life can be. What if my next race is my last? Though my effort would probably not be remembered by everyone else, I feel guilty right now just thinking about the concept of my last race being one in which I do not give my full heart to. One where I had something left, and was ok with that because I was saving it for later on in the season. But if I didn't make it to the end of the season, due to circumstance, I would be left wondering what sort of potential I had not tapped into, however miniscule the difference may or may not have been.
"Today I gave everything I had, what I've kept is lost forever."
Being able to say that you poured yourself out over the course of the race is something I find profound. I have always found a sense of completion, of perfection when I find myself fully exhausted. It is a great feeling to say the least. Greater than a personal best, greater still than winning, to me anyway.
So maybe saving something for the end of the season is a good idea. But i don't think i can live with myself anymore if I say that I have not given my all. I would like to apologize to all my competitors in the past whom i raced against and did not give my all, you deserve greater respect than what i gave you and i am sorry. My guilt still taunts about those performances, as i took life for granted in those moments where I decided to ease up. My only penance can be in the form of my future races, ones in which i devote all my efforts, overcome my mind and will my body further than my mind says it should go, hopefully being able to finally forgive myself.
Race day is the chance to lay it all on the line. To show our true selves and be proud of who were are. "Here I am". Maybe I'm not as fast as the next guy. But I will have the courage to face myself and say, at least I gave my all. by racing we are given the chance to acquit ourselves by giving a complete effort, otherwise there will be too much speculation between friends and enemies and ourselves. Should'ves and Maybes need to be replaced with dids. even if we are not happy with our own performance that day. at least no one can say that you didn't try your hardest, more importantly no one can say anything that will matter, good or bad, that will affect your knowing that you tried harder than you ever have before.
"If I'm going to get in these races and run against the best guys, I'm going to be there with them. And if I die, then I die, but I'm not going to walk away from the track saying, 'I didn't give everything.' Ever again." - David Kruckemacker
Honestly, whats the worst thing that happens if you burnout. you rest up and try again. that's what the days in between the races are for, not for racing each other in practice, but for readying ourselves for the next biggest race, next biggest challenge in your life.
"I'd rather burn out than fade away" - Tom Petty
So next time I go to a race, I will yell and scream for the competitors, because they deserve my respect, because they deserve to know that we are on their side, regardless of the jersey they wear. Because we are all battling to be better than ourselves. Because it just might be they're last chance.
And when I race, I will run it is as the biggest race of my career. I will respect it as the greatest challenge I have ever face. I will go forth as though it were My Last Chance. Because it very well could be.
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