don't miss me

because i won't be gone.
granted, i won't be here
but i'm always around.

its finally time that i understand
just what i want for a couple days
a couple weeks, months, years.
however long it takes.

and it will probably be the hardest secret
i have ever had to keep.
a couple of people already know,
but only the ones that I know will keep
their mouths shut.

so don't tune in to this channel too often.
maybe if you're looking for the very seldom read
or some sort of nostalgia. this will become
something of a ghost town.

i miss the weather

that was a only slowing changing day by day.
i miss those times when my mind only wandered
and never thought of the future

but i think if i were there again
i would miss this the most
the actually feeling
its not something to be remembered
it can't be remembered wholly
only experienced in the moment
to be alive and suffering.

the more i write

the more i find
that the truth hides behind the truth we create
and all i'm sure of is that i'm not sure of anything, really.

some people

are meant to lead us, carry us, follow us to the end
and others are meant to get you from one place to another
to that next step in finding yourself.

so here's my new years resolution

over 4 months late.
but right on time.

i look back at not just the last year but the last 21 years and think about the happiness I could've had and didn't. so my resolution is to just live happier. to be happier. to invest time in the things i love doing and the people i know. and to worry less about what the future holds.

while you just had that thought

someone else was somewhere else thinking something else.
and somewhere else someone else wasn't thinking at all.
and some others were sleeping, eating.
they were alive
but were they all living?

the things we worry about

some of them aren't so important.
but you don't know that coming into it.
so look back at the ones that changed your life
and the ones that barely left a trace.

don't forget about a single exhale of relief,
tear of sorrow, leap of joy. and all the feelings
in between.

what's meant to happen will happen
absorb the shock and flow on.

I've always been a competitor

for the soul reason.

and we have demons fight our other demons

so that during the time that we are forgotten in the mess
we can do our laundry.

The same things we use as excuses

as a crutch, to show that we are inconvenienced
are the same things that when people ponder about
the things inconvenience, we pass it off as nothing more
than bug that we can shoo away easily.

I fell asleep for a couple of hours

and the whole world burned down.
how cliche that things keep changing.

there is something greater

than the visible truth.
it is always lying underneath the surface
of what you see, what you read
what people tell you
and it is the emotions that drive the actions
but it is the thoughts that make the actions impure
short sighted, instead of all encompassing.
messages are lost, people are lost.

My beliefs

I do not mean this in a disrespectful way. But I have looked at the evidence, and inside of me, I do not believe that the bible was factual. And that's just what I believe. I'm not trying to make anyone else believe that the bible isn't real. If you believe the bible is real, then that's great. As long as you have thought it through for yourself, in any form of procedure, and you have decided that the bible is truth, than I am proud of you for having a path.

I do believe the bible has a great message. Above all I would still say that the life of jesus is the greatest love story ever told. It is the most pure form of romance. To say that you are willing to die for the ones you love shows that you believe every man and woman forms a greater unity of one being, and that when given the choice between self and others, you are willing to humble yourself and understand that as long as someone lives on, it doesn't have to be you.

Anyway those are my interpretations, not that I expect anyone to read this, but if you do please don't leave me a comment because i'm not having a discussion about this.

all the people i know

and all the people i've only met
they are that way for a reason.
i know them each a different way
for a reason. because i am not you
and you are not me, and our perspectives
are skewed by the fragments we know
ignorant to the entirety.

its meant to be this way so that your fragments
and slices fit the puzzle, the final cog to turn the gears.

i've finally solved how

i move past things so fast
and hold on to so little
its in the writing
i catalogue everything
all the things i found important
are written somewhere
i have most of them
but not all of them
and i usually don't make copies
because i am trying to get my point across.

my mind brimmed with truth today

so full of light
that my eyes could not contain it.
i didn't even have to
open my eyes to be able to see.

something like invincibility
filled my insides. my skin
a membrane on the verge of
exploding.

to wake up and for once just be

maybe i'm just what i said i wasn't

maybe i'm just a fraud
and this was all a facade
to be nearer than i ever would have been otherwise.

i have all these memories

about people i've never met.
moments that have yet to begin
play out in reels of film
on eyelid canvases.

maybe it shouldn't be our final goodbyes that are so full of sorrow
but our first hellos.

today's the day

we finally rise to the occasion.

you were honest with me

you showed me that i needed to be honest with myself.
and though i don't know the future
i know me a little bit better now
because of you.

You aren't the first

and you won't be the last.
It is my destiny
to screw things up, royally.

So wear a smile
because compared to the rest
of eternity,
i'm just a blip on the radar
if i'm a blip at all.

it was good while it lasted

and i'm sorry for what i said.
you were sober, i wasn't
and i just let it fly.

i doubt that you actually read this
but if you do:
you were great
and for a while
you helped me understand.

and i have nothing but gracious thanks
i wish i hadn't run my mouth
because if i hadn't
we'd still be out there
instead of going our separate ways.

there isn't much else to say these days
of course i'm sorry
i just wanted you to to be happy
so i went along with it.
but eventually i'd had enough
and what happens happens.

i hope that wherever you go,
i wasn't much of an impact
and that you move with fluidity
as though i never was.